Failed actor /comedian Zelensky, previously known throughout Ukraine for his latex enriched and ball stroking, gay strutting routine has been chosen to be the face of Primark. The low end high street retailer has sought the services of the stunted powder monkey to invogorate their failing brand and inject some much needed, body odour infused star quality into the preferred brand of asylum seekers.
Speaking to Katanga, a senior Matalan Primark spokesman stated ‘we just saw the immense following he had, rubbing shoulders with the political elite – we instantly knew we had to onboard him. If it means selling rancid olive green fatigues then hey, we have a line for that!’ As does Zelensky no doubt.
A hero of the circular economy, the ‘wear once and throw it out’ retailer has fronted £3m to sponsor the bearded fuckwit with which he has promised to give to the needy of Ukraine. We approached his PR rep for comment but were advised he was viewing a stately home in Sussex and therefore unavailable.
